Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
