He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
