Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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