when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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