I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
