So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
