Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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