She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
