Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
