I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
