working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
There are leaves in my underwear?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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