perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
