I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
