omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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