I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
