Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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