they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
