I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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