you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
