There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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