Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize