I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
