Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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