did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I think I have vodka in my lungs
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
