You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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