i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize