Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
