There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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