Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize