I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
