I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
We need to get me chipped asap
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
