So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
That accounts for only three of the penises
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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