3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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