I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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