evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
