Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
