That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
