her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
