Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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