There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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