I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
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