considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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