he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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