i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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