I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
