Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
