Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
