i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize