he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
