Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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