If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
