I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
