long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
