Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
