How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
