i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
