do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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