I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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