Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
