I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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