mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
