Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
