I accidentally burped into my bong.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
